“A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself — to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved. Such a relationship is based upon freedom and can never grow in a jealous heart.”
– Leo F. Buscaglia

In May 2014, I dubbed myself, “Heartache Queen” as I penned my autobiography. Emotional hurt and pain seemed to constantly follow me from my youngest years into adulthood but the good news was: I was on my way to liberation, self-acceptance and wholeness. Hence the book’s title: “Heartache Queen Unshackled.” I had written the book in less than a month after the ending of a relationship in which I was already in the process of planning for a wedding, and my eyes were just beginning to be opened to insights and revelations that would bring healing to myself and many others. I must admit that three years later the unshackling continues and so does the journey towards wholeness, self-acceptance and liberation.

Three Years Later

My first book was a mere record of insights into the healing process which had just begun and would continue. In the past three years since writing, I have learnt so much and have grown even much more but I must confess that I got my heart broken once again despite all the unshackling that had taken place. So often when one writes a book, people think you are an expert on the subject matter and therefore you will never fall prey to that subject matter ever again. I too believed this but I was so wrong. Nevertheless, it was the book that saved me in the midst of another heartbreak. The recordings and teachings helped to preserve my sanity and sanctity as a Christ Follower.

New Blog Series

This blog series will be as authentic as they come because if it’s one thing I am an expert in, it is in heartbreak. It’s not something I am proud of. It is downright heart-wrenching, shameful and painful but I have learnt some important lessons along the way which I believe will be helpful to others, and hopefully prevent more heartaches for myself in the future. Thus, for the next several weeks I will share some of the signposts that may indicate that you are heading for heartbreak so you can avoid it, or get out so that your healing can begin. I will also recommend to you some useful resources to help you heal. So, let the twelve (12) lessons begin!

1. Hidenness

As I reflect on my relationships with men over the past twenty years, I realize that almost all my relationships had some measure of hiddeness about them from the very beginning of my relational woes. Just before going off to college, my mom told me not to date until in my 20s but being the smart teenager I was, I did not listen. Thus, I ended up getting involved when I shouldn’t and when it was discovered I was in much trouble, and it was then that my suicidal ideation returned in full force.  Fortunately, I recovered from that phase but the hiddeness continued. I seemed to always be dating men I perhaps should not have to for one reason or another. I seldom told my friends or family about them at the onset. There was always some authority figure that I felt I needed to hide my relationships from for one reason or another.

2. Label Less/Friends with Benefits

In my last relational escapade, the hiddeness was reinforced by the label less nature of the relationship. The person would not admit to being in a relationship with me. When I told my inner circle and pastor about his love interest, he thought I told them too early. There was no picture of me on his phone and his most respected family members and parents knew nothing about me. He was always visiting my home and rarely did I visit his. I kept asking what we were we and he would never answer. He eventually called it, “a love affair building.” By then I came to my senses and had begun to rediscover my worth and as such I walked away hurt and ashamed.

Can You Relate?

Now, I speak from a female perspective but it can play both ways. If you are in a relationship or being friends with benefits, it is definitely a sign that heartbreak may just be around the corner. If your partner does not want to show you off, it’s definitely a sign that you are heading for heartbreak. If he is hiding you or you are hiding your partner from significant persons in your life, it is definitely a sign that heartbreak may just be around the corner or further down the road. Now, some persons are private, but being private is different from hiding your partner. Can you display affection publicly? Is he always meeting at your house and you never at his? How does he refer to you when he introduces you to his friends, family and others in his circle of influence? What’s the status of your relationship?

Share the Articles

Well friends, that’s all the sharing for today. Can you relate to these signposts or any of my experiences? If so share this with a friend or a young person to help them make better relational decisions. Feel free to also comment and stay tuned for Part 2 where I will share two more signposts to avoid a relational disaster and heartbreak.